Evening 15/06/06

So, the heatlth and safety training was all I'd expected and more, we were taught the theory, history and law of health and safety, it's moral and financial founding and current application. R damn near fell asleep for most of this afternoon. I'd made the mistake of being interested in some of the areas, asking relevent questions and the like, which made me the "keen" one in the group. Bang goes any hope I had of a sly snooze. You know how it is, one person catches the attention of the instructor and it focused on for the rest of the session. My fault really, some of it did seem relevent and, dare I say it, interesting. Only one day left, mainly going to be safe laser, radar, radiation and things like that.
But anyway, now the sun is down and the afterglow of the day is painting the sky to the northwest. My window is open wide from where I've been sat in it and the computer upon which I write has an evening mix on iTunes, Lighthouse Family, Ludovico Einardi, Nina Simone, Eels, Shawn Mullins' Lullaby, that sort of thing. And I'm thinking about life, where it's going and where I am, about love and about searching for meaning in it all.
Love, I'm not sure, I love my friends in a way that I've described before but I can't help thinking that there is more out there, but maybe not for me; at least not yet. It's not that I'm lonely, although I am, in a way; it's not that there's any kind of emptyness inside, it's just that sometimes I do miss coming home to someone that missed you, that held a space for you in their world, that fills a space in yours. Companionship I guess you could call it.
Sorry, feeling a bit melancholy tonight, must be the wine and the company. Both of which were good, and there's the problem. There's some lasses that I know, very attractive in body, mind, spirit and soul, whom I love as friends and as more. I know that they don't feel the same way and I'd almost convinced myself that it was a lack of physical attractiveness. I know I'm no underwear model when it comes to looks or body. But I know, deep down, that it's not that. I know that physical lust (for want of a better word) is just one thing and it takes more than that for a relationship. I don't think I'm repulsive, and I don't think I'm unloveable, it's just I know that one of the ladies has known me for too long...
Ahh, bollocks, I can't even lie to myseld any more. I've left that sentance in and not deleted it because it's not true but I want you (whomever) to know that I' have thought it. Everyone does, I guess, trying to find a reason for that one word that shatters all the defenses that we build around our brittle defences; that "no." I know that length of time that someone knows you for is irrelevent. None of the girls finds me attractive and neither feels for me as I do for them. No fault, just one of those things. T'was not meant to be. If I can be a good friend to them I'll feel as though I have served them as a loved one.

It's now full dark outside and these thoughts run through me like the wind across the moorland. I know that I MUST pass OASC, not to keep my job, but to give me the chance to serve. This might sound bloody odd, and it's not "every man feels less of himself for not being a soldier" (okay maybe a little bit). It's about my neice. It's about my family. It's about my friends, who, in the darkness of the night of my doubt and my sadness, come to me and give me the light of their pressence, who come and shine like brilliant stars, guiding me back to the peaceful places where I've felt safe. I can help protect them from the darkness of the world, and this calls to me like nothing I've ever felt. As the man said, "people sleep soundly in their beds knowing that rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." For little Ellen, so she may grow up in a world less fearful than I remember, for my friends and their loved ones, that they may love and be peaceful, never knowing what lies beyond the sunset willing them harm; for them I will train and I WILL stand against the dark. Not for politics, for that is generally lies told to mask the desires of the powerful, whispered on the tide of history; not for religion, for faith heals and does not harm, for God does not wish us to take arms against each other, that is interprepation and the words of man; but for the life of a young child, be it my blood, my friends or one whom I have never met. All these are precious and for them I will put myself into the way of harm, make of myself a target and take up arms against them. "Rave, Rave against the dying of the light" for if those of us that are able do not stand, then the tide of fear and of hate that flows from every corner will o'er run us and leave us without a prayer of salvation or of hope.
Not on my watch. Not to my kin.



Hmmmm, that was odd.
ahh well, I meant every word. Sleep well.